Pain reminds me that I am alive. Sometimes, when I use pain as a weapon against myself, I am punishing myself for existing. That is where my comfort zone lives…in pain, depression, anxiety. It’s a world, a territory that I am familiar with. It is a world that has proven extremely difficult to leave for it has overtaken me and paralyzed me with fear.
At first they invaded my home and I tried to fight them off but then I got tired of failing, of fighting and I got used to them. I got used to the pain, the comfort of the friends it brought me, I moved and they followed me and I didn’t even question it, in fact, I grew to feel comfort in their company and fear life without them by my side, in my mind, constantly surrounding my presence.
I moved again thinking a new start would set me free, I suppose you could say I tried running away from the demons that I felt possessed me, but again they showed up making themselves at home, sleeping wit me night after night, bathing alongside me, keeping me company the days I spent curled up in bed unable to move, and dining with me. They became shadows that followed my every move.
It wasn’t until I realized that they were inside of me, inside of my mind that I understood anywhere I went they would follow and I could not escape them by running away. I would have to battle them mentally by rebuilding the blueprint of my thoughts, taking risks, overcoming fear, and learning to love myself.
This is a battle I undertake every day, every second of every day and some days I win. However, a lot of days I lose the battle but I am determined to ultimately win the war I just know it will take a while because things take time. First, I have to undertake the challenge of separating my true self from them, forming an identity that I can grow to love.